My Blog

I only left 20 days, it is my 22nd birthday. I left 1 month, It is my graduation day. Suddenly pop outs in my mind, i can’t believe in 2 years. I have a lot of thoughts what i have been through from the begining I came to Aussies. In my whole single life, I don’t have anything. I only have dance with me. I flied to Australia all by myself. If there is no dance, I would not be able to stand my own 2 legs to explore the new world and not able to find myself.

Somehow, I have nothing to do. I just open up my dance diary and write a poem about what i have been learning in 2 years from the dance.

Me and you (dance)

Dance is my life.Dance is so beautiful that it doesn’t seem to belong to the world.

Dance is my love.Dance gives happiness, joy, laughter and love.

Dance makes me find who I am.

Dance teaches me how to feel with everything.

Dance teaches me how to be strong and brave. Dance teaches me how to challenge with everything.

Dance teaches me to be patience and truthful.

Dance teaches me not to be fear of everything.

Dance teaches me not to be sel-fish and arrogant.

Dance teaches me how to love.

Dance makes me grow up.

Dance makes me enjoy.

Dance makes me relax.

Dance brings me to explore the new world.

I love you, my dance

When I look at this poem, I can feel how much meaningful in these 2 years. Everytime, I always dream to be a dancer. But, Dreams do not come true at all. Dreams provide the mind with the motivation to make things happen.

All my achievements are from my hardwork. I hope there is a new life for me to walk and spread my wings and fly. I will not go back where i was before.

It is towards the end of the year. I am going to graduate in DEC. Life is shocking because time flies very quickly. I am so excited to look forward next year. I have a feeling my life will be different by that time. It is very crazy.

Not long ago, I look back my old pics. I saw my dancing pics, secondary schoolmates, dancing mates and others. In 4 years, I just only have me and dance. I always have a dream and passion to be a dancer. But, dreams do not come true. Dreams provide the mind with the motivation to make things happen. All the teachers always advice me to keep striving. I did. Til now, I have a feeling that there will be no opportunities for me. Everything has to do the best for myself and nothing I can do.

My school director has given me a job offer. I can be a dance teacher and pilates instructor. I was thinking that it is my begining working life, I started earning money to have my own life. I am so excited to have this. I can’t wait to have my own living and independent. I hope everything will go well.

Just recently, I went out with my freinds have a party and drinks. It was fun and great. My friends treat me a lot of drinks. Cool Cool and crazy… It just make me relax. I would like to keep spending time with all my friends now a days. Next year, I might be not seeing them. I have learnt a lot from every single person. I always no "Hate"  and no "Pain", Be intrested in others and what they might teach you. Always keep smiling to explore the new world.   

I don’t know what is going about the world. Human has a lot of types of feelings. Everybody wants the most feeling is "LOVE". Love from family, freinds, lovers, and blah blah other thing. Feeling is a part of human’s chemistry thing that we can’t control. For the Love, It can be sweet and sorrow. I always wish to be a human has no feeling as like a plain water. But, I still can’t run away from this human nature chemistry.

Just recently, I have ended 1 relationship. To me, I don’t say "broke up" for my situation. I said "Ended" means is not a negative thins to split up. Til now, I still miss him. I don’t know why. I try to forget but I can’t. I always tell myself, life must go on. Don’t hold back. I have to stand my own 2 legs to walk around the world. I can’t depend on my family and my love to protect me from around the world all the time. It takes time to heal my wound. 

Life is weird. I don’t know why I met a lot of my housemates just ended the relationship with their loves recently. I felt so sorry to them. In a relationship must have passion, commiment, intimacy, and trust. Especially "TRUST", a couple is holding a glass name "TRUST". If 1 of the couple break the glass, it won’t replace the same glass as the previouse. It doesn’t mean a couple ended the relationship means they break the glass. There have so many reasons to end the relationship. The main thing is both couple can’t give the best to each other. So, can’t work it out. Sometimes the ended is to protect and respect each other.

Human’s lives is very busy now a days. Every human has to find their own future because life is just once. There is no 2nd chance in our life. So far, I heard a lot of relationship has a problem is "TIME". Busy working or long distance relationship, so can’t spend time together. There is no patience and couple will feel so sorry to each other. In Western lifestlye, most people want to have attachment and affections. In Asian, some couples can wait and some don’t. If the couple can wait until the time comes, it is a bonus.

Another thing is the "feeling". We grow up everyday.Growing is changing. What change? It is the mind. Once is changed, the feeling is faded. As a result, the relationship is finished.

Having relationship is either ready or not ready. It is all about "TIME". Most of the time, we can’t rely on each other. It is all about ourselves. It doesn’t mean 1st time or 2nd time. It depends on the human chemistry. Ended is ended, the most important thing is don’t break the "trust" glass and let go of him or her if u are still like him or her.

In Asian lifestyle, Ladies always have less choices in their life. This is because of parents curfew on them. If the parents are open-minded, the ladies are lucky. If the parents are very traditional, the ladies only have 2 choices either career or marriage. This is very sad that asian ladies can’t follow their natural feeling to make their own decision. It will be also hard for the couple.

Well, anything happen has a reason. It is a fact and we have to accept the life. Nothing can help it. It is a very difficult journey to walk but we still have to walk along to build our strenght.

This song is sang by Elisa. This is song is so meaningful to me. In my whole life, I love to dance. But, I have a feeling that I can’t dance forever and I will be leaving the stage very soon. Dance is one of my most important lover. I have a hard time to give up my dancer life.

DANCING

Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
’cause it’s all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather

So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they’re on you
And I hope that you won’t hurt me

Stress!! Stress!! Stress!! What do I stress?? During entire this year, I stress of my dance. I have a lot of injuries with me. One of them is I broke my toe before I flew to Sydney. End Up, I didn’t get to do my ballet. I did Jazz and Comtemporary.

After 2 weeks holidays, I have a month to do my Advanced 2 exam. I thought I can go en pointe. But, I can’t. After a week, I try to do pointe. But I still can’t get up. I can say I couldn’t do pointe for a month before the exam. I was so depress because I have so many pointe works I can’t prepare.

Even my last week for my Adv 2 practise, I couldn’t do any pirrouttes and any dance. All my ankles are so weak. I dance with pointe shoes entire life. I was so sad. I don’t know why I lose so many strenght on my dance.

The day before my exam, my school director gave me a free private lesson. I did all my demi pointe works are clean and steady. Coming to pointe, I felt so unnormal. I couldn’t feel the pointe dances are my walking leg. I still can’t do my 16 fouette pirrouttes and my 2 performance dances.  I was so upset. My School director encourage me, just do the best I can. I told her, I work so so hard until tire, why i lost my hard works. She said there is nothing we can do about it.

The next day, I wake up and I went to a church and I pray. Even though, I am not very religiouse person. Sometimes, people work so hard but they can’t get anything what they want. So, there is only 1 thing they can do is "PRAY". I pray to the god for making me to dance with my broken toe. No matter how hard, I will still go for it.

Afterthat, I went to coffee shop get a cup of coffee. Then I did pilates for my warm up before I went to Exam studio. I was a little nervouse. I just tell myself, I will be alrite. I am going to do this. This is my last exam. I am going to pass once. There will be no second chance for me.

I went in, I did well all my barre, center, and allegro. Coming to the pointe, I have  a little bit scare. I just worn my pointe shoe and go up. In the begining, I felt weird. i felt the shoes still not fit with my feet and still not normal. I was so scare. I was thinking there was no hope for me. I kept continue and do it with my frustration. Lucky that I did my double pirrouttes en pointe. I was suprise.

Coming to end, the examiner forgot the 16 fouette pirrouttes. I was quiet and not to mention. Unfortunately, the 3rd girl in my group informed to the examner the pirrouttes. In my brain said, Damn it!!!! So I just walked to the center and do it. I was praying  in my mind. When the music starts, I did my 16 pirrouttes but without pointing my toes. I was extremely suprise for my self. I didn’t practise my pirrouttes enpointe more than 1 month. Somehow the miracle just come to me. My last classical dance, I did it as well.. I was thinking, What is going on??? I can do everything. I was satisfy and happy with the result.

Today, I was doing my homeworks in school. My school director came to me and kiss on my forehead and said " Congratulation!! Candy, you have passed your ADV2 exam. " I was so happy until I cried. I can’t believe it I just pass once.

I went to church and pray. I thank to god that he made me do it.I thank to him what he has given me. Somehow, in my brain, I still remember there is another person I want to thank and appreacite is Leon. He accompanied me before the exam. He was there for me. I was thinking that It was worht it with him in 2 months. In the end, I have to let him go. I really thank god.

I went home and call out everybody and annouce my exam’s result. I brought my smilling and laughter everywhere. Suddenly, it was raining heavily. I was thinking I want to play with the rain. but, it stopped. So, I just don’t know why I walked to the port side. Walking half way, I saw the fire works in front of me. OMG, What happen to me today?    

Everybody knows that dancing is my entire life. I am a single dancer. I always never leave the studio and stage all the time. To become a real professional dancer, I am still don’t know whether I can get to there. If I can’t be a dancer, I can use whatever professional skills to help many people who has trouble in physical.

Last August, I have met a man called Leon who is Malaysian chinese and Australian. I met him through my space. I  was so intrested to know him because something is very speacial to me. We met each other and he brought me to Mt Cootha. We went to watch movie and dinner. After few days, we went out at nite. Both of us have shown the body language to each other about love. I felt so natural and this feeling is just from my body chemistry. I accepted him to become my bf. Both of us really love each other and care each other. I always give my best for my love. The third day, he brought me home to meet the parents. His parents are so exicited.

That was 1 nite dinner, he suggested to have dinner with his parents. His mother is Malaysian Chinese and his father is Australian. I really have a good time with them. His mother is a lovely woman and caring. Me and Leon are so love each other. We tried to spend time together. Both of us are alwasy busy. when I have hard time, he supported me. When I have injured my knee, he gave me a present to cheer me up.

I have been not dancing a month. Til the day he has a job promotion, he has new job. the whole situation has changed. He hardly spend time with me. He still has Uni to do his studies and work as a bartender in Jo Jo restaurant.

The last day I met him, he looked so different to me. After meeting the last day, I felt something is not right come to me. I started worried about this relationship. But, I think in the positive way.

Yesterday, Leon rang me and asked for ending relationship because he doesn’t has time with me. He is very busy with his uni. He said it is not fair to me because not spending time with me. It will get worst.  I don’t blame him for this. Everybody needs career. In the end, I accepted the situation. I feel good but I have to end this. My chemistry of love is drained in my body. I feel pain and sad. But, I tell myself to be strong and move forward. I really appreaciate what he gave me in 2 months. Now, I am as his friend, I am proud of him because he is searching his real life. I have learnt a lot from him. I am really thank to him for being honest and respect to me. In this sitaution, It is part of my growing life.

my blessing and praying are always with Leon. I hope he will get what he wants. I hope I can meet him in the future as like a friend. I will continue my single journey life to create my own life.

Injury is part of the sport life. As a dancer, I can’t run away from injuries. I have injured my ankle and toe. Not long ago, I twisted my knee from comtemporary class. It is very annoying I injured.

How did I injure my knee?

I was excited and overconfident doing a jump called saute bas in parallel with travelling. It means jump and spin on the air. I was using a lot of force for travelling. In the end, I land on the floor and force of travelling is still going on. My left leg just twisted and I could feel the clicking..I tried to stand up but I can’t. My leturer had to pick me up to the side. Sam ran to the office to get Ice pack for me. At the corner, I tried to stretch my knee and I thought is going to be good.

In the nite, the sweeling of my knee exsit. I felt pain and clicking on my knee. End up, I was thinking that the new injury is coming to me again. I wasn’t very upset looking. I stayed my face in positive no matter what happen.

Next day I went to see physiotherapy, Jenny to look up. She found out that wasn’t seriouse. I didn’t sprained my cartilage or ligament. I just twisted and have bursitis in my knee. I was dissapointed I couldn’t do Gold Coast Eistedfod.

Last Thursday, I went to Leon’s house for dinner and watching "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE" on TV. Leon’s mum is a lovely Malaysian lady, she cooked a good Malaysian curry that I love. She is very caring and charming. I appreaciate what she gave me.

While watching the TV, Leon suddenly gave me a butterfly ear ring and he wished my knee will get better soon. I accepted the present and I promised I will get better soon.

The next week, I couldn’t wait to dance. So, I went to do some dancing but no jumping. I started feel restless when I watched people dance all the time. After few days, I couldn’t do a single full plies. Mitchell and Rhys were so worried of me and asked " CANDY, SIT DOWN and NOT DANCING."  I went to see Jenny for my knee again. Unfortunately, the whole bursa liquid is cover my whole knee. My left knee was swallen like an elephant leg. There is another training Physiotherapy lady from Canada. Her name is Tiffinie. She explained what should I do for my knee. Overall, I have to keep icing the knee to reduce my swelling. I can’t dance, jump and run. It is so hard for me that I don’t have these activaties in my life. I am a person who always stay active. I am forcing myself need to be patiene for recovery.

My last choice, I have made an appoinment to a sport physician to check my knee up. I prayed for myself, I must recover as soon as possible. I have to come back my stage life.

Life is busy busy every second, minutes, hours and days. Til the end of the winter, I started to look for more social life to get rid of my stress from my works.

Not long, I have found a new person who is half Malaysian chinese and half Aussies. I found very intresting how is the mix people lifestyle in Australia. This new person is 25 years old young man mentioned a lot about his last trip to his mother’s hometown, Penang. It was funny what are the tourist thinking of Malaysia. After few weeks,  we decided to come out for a cup of tea to meet up. I was so nervourse to meet new people in my life. In the begining, I will be very shy. Many people adviced me to be careful to meet new friends. In this circumstance, I have a strong believe that I will meet a good people. I just gave myself a chance and not to think of negative side.

It was on Sunday evening, I met this man in a coffee shop at Racecourse. His name is Leon. Both of us have a good chat about Malaysian, Australian and other lifestlye. Both of us are so polite and repect each other. We have a great chat 2 hours in the coffee. Suddenly, I decide to ask him to bring me to Mt Coo-tha that I used to tell him I want to go this place before we met. Mt Coo-tha is a sight seeing the whole city of brisbane from the hill. It tooks about 20mins to get there.

It was very cold up on the hill in the nite. Lucky I brought my jacket with me. It was quiet and not many tourist there. When I was stepping on the hill and look at the whole brisbane city. All I can feel I want to collect the stars from the ground because there are beautiful lights like the stars. Me and Leon stood there for an hour to enjoy the the beutiful view. I didn’t bring my camera with me. The whole pic of the brisbane city lights is inside my memory until now.

From this moment, I am very happy that I met a person who can bring me to see such a gorgeouse view that I haven’t seen in my life. I started to know more about Leon. Both of us share our life to each other very easy. We spend a lot of times together and learn a lot of different culturals and personalities from each other. I will really appreaciate what Leon gave meas a friendship or whatever situation.   

"Nobody Knows" sang by Pink

Nobody knows
Nobody knows the rhythem of my heart
The way I do when I’m lying in the dark
And the world is asleep
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
Me

I have not seen Helena since March. I really miss her cook and care. I really enjoy our reuion dinner in Sydney.

Early the morning, all my schoolmates have to go to UNSW to watch the Sydney Eistedfod. It is very new to me to watch all the performance section. I like to watch Australian dancer’s energy especially muscial theater and tap dance. In the night, I have jazz dance. In my whole life, I have never done jazz dance until I came to Aussies. This year I did the jazz routine is very stunning. When hear the name "wolfmother", everyone thinks is very trashy. Yea, It is very trashy dance. I am very excited to do this dance. In the UNSW, there is no proper changing room for us. It is very bad condition for us to prepare ourselves. Everybody has to place all the stuff along the corridor. As a result, I did well my jazz on stage. I can’t believe I look so stunning and my hair has to be really crazy.

After finish performance, I started worry the ballet. my left 4th toe was still terrible injure. I prayed for myself and I believe I can do it.

The next morning again, I have to tease my hair stunning again like wolfmother hairstyle for my comtemporary. I am very happy I can do such a beautiful comtemporary which is choregraphed by Miss Loiuse. One of a famouse music from Mozart. It sounds like going to hell. The costume is very red like blood. This piece of dance is very meaningful to me.

Before doing ballet, a lot of girls decided not want to do the ballet. Anita had foot injuries as well. Everyone was trying to tell Miss Eversen to pull out. I had the confident to do it because I had prepared my toe. Between that, my secondary schoolmate, Kuan Minn called me. He studied in UNSW. Imaging the world is so small that I can meet my friend in Aussies. We had a coffee and long chat. Not long ago, I just got a inform that we are not doing ballet by Miss Eversen. I felt so dissapointed I dind’t get a chance to do ballet for my last year in Sydney. Then, I continue have conversation with Kuan minn before going back hotel.

In the nite, me and misa went to Darling Harbour. It was so beautiful to see the lights colour. I went back to hotel to wait other people who were in hip hop dance. For the last nite, all the ADPI people were having party in my aprtment. They celabrated for the dance result were good.Mitchelle was dancing very happy and funny.I can’t believe Mitch is leaving another 3 months to Cruise ship in South America.

The last day in Sydney, I am going to Sydney Opera house, The Rocks, and Harbour Bridge with Misa. Guess what?? I met my beloved Jackie there. When I saw her, I just ran to her and hugged her very tide. My tears just dropped off from my eyes. I told her I miss her so so so much. I am very happy that I have an opportunity to meet my friends in Sydney. I was thinking if ROS, JACK, JOEL, JAKE, MICHAEL, and other Allen st people were in Sydney with us, there will be good.

Before I catched taxi to airport, I gave my last hug to Kuan Minn and Jackie. It is to show them I miss them and I love you all, my friends. I will not forget the wonderful reunion moment in SYDNEY.