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Solo repertoire… All dancer heard this, they will say "hard". To do the repertoire, dancer has to spend a lot of times to practise the dance and stamina.

I went to the Brisbane repertoire. I was a bit panic. The people who watch the repertoire are Ronnee, ms, Louise (comtemporary teacher), ADPI afternoon school kids. I know what is everyone’s answer about my dance. What I can is doing my best on stage.

26 entries but 13 entries have withdrawn. Among th dancers are very strong, skinny, beautiful feet  and flexible. Unfortunately, I am the most plump and no feet. On that time, I felt I want to go home. I just didn’t feel I want to dance.

After finish dance, everybody said I did a good job. In my heart, I said not at all.Ms. Loiuse said I did quite well and I should pleased myself to get the experience.

I read my dance critique from the judge who gave me. Overall, I lose too much confidence. I didn’t communicate the audience who came and watch my dance. I didn’t interprete my comtemporary dance. I didn’t believe myself I can do the dance.

From my view, I have dropped my works a lot. I think this is the biggest failure in my life. I went home, I just lie on my bed and close my eyes and sleep. If my best friend, Drew is here. I will ask him to give me a hug.   

Pain, cry, hurt, joy, weak, strong, and million million of feelings at the moment. Today, I can’t sleep. Therefor, I wake up and post a blog. I am having a big nervouse for tommorow. I have solo repertoire for Brisbane Eistedfod. Actually, 6 people sent the entry to this solo competition. In the end, I am the only one who going to this competition. Rebecca left the school. Rhys had his leg injuries operation. Grace is very sick. Misa gave up. Kirsty has no pointe shoe to wear. And, I am still alive for this solo.

Before, our school has won a lot of groups competition but ballet. Everyone was stressed for the eistedfod. Now, everybody is looking forward Sydney Eistedfod. And I am looking forward the Brisbane solo dance. Actually, I didn’t prepare well for my solo. I had long injury last month. I had sick as well. And I still continue to tell myself not to give up this dance. I want to overcome the fear. I was thinking am I going to on stage to embarass myself to do this solo. NO!! All I want is experience and joy on the stage. I am 21, I know my dancer career is getting short. I don’t know when I am going to stop dancing soon.

Last Monday, I did over stretch for my split. Ms. Stacie who is a gymnas coach. She just pushed me more than 10 times. I nearly cry because of the pain. I did my repertoire as well. I did well and smooth. On Wed, Ms Louise helped my contemporary. My contemporary dance is very jerky. She pushed me to do it better until I lost the breath.  On the Wednesday morning, I threw out all my breakfast what I have eaten. It was probably the nerves. On Thurs, I have a terrible sore arm and leg. I start very worry the next next day.  At the same day, my ballet teacher, Mr. Collin has hurt my feeling deeply. What he did, he didn’t give encourage and support to me. He is going to make me shit on In house performance. I am very hard working person. Unfortunately, I don’t get anything that what I should deserve. I start getting weak. This morning Friday, It is very very cold and begining of winter. I feel getting sick. 3 people attend the stretch class. I was the only ballet girl there. I have no idea what is going on. Today, I reherse my solo dance. I can’t do well at all. I can’t fly and show my beautiful barrell. Everything is mess. My face is looked really terrible. Mitchell asked me why I have a nasty bruise on my arm. I explained to him. He said I might have IRON DEFECIENCE. It means I have not enough mineral of Iron. If I don’t have enough Iron in my body, my physical will collapse. I don’t think that far. I kept thinking is tommorow. I want to go home and rest. Too bad, I didn’t. I have to stay back for Michael’s jazz routine.

I am also very angry . I suppose can’t teach the kids tomorrow. I asked Ashleigh for help. She said she can. Later, she said she doesn’t want to because she wants to go out tonite. It must be clubbing. It makes me pissing her off. This is very stupid and sel fish. Australian people always put party, clubbing, and entertainment in the first place. They don’t think of the career. I can’t believe it.

I came home. I try to sleep but I can’t. I cried and start feeling homesick again. My legs and body are so sore and shivering. In my mind, there must be something happen tommorrow. I am so afraid that I don’t have Oxygen to breath tommorow. I don’t know what to do…… ……